the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
