Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
