textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
