Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
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