I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
