so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
