So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
