So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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