this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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