i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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