I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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