Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
