theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
