Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
