life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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