My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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