Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
