Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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