tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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