yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
