im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
