Christians are straight up FREAKS
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
