My sheets look like a crime scene.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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