OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
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Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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