I'm really into asian looking animals
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
