i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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