i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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