you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
