Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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