My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
