Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
