My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
