You're my little dorito
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize
