what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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