rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
