i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
