BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
