Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
