you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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