Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm at about main and main street
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
