I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
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If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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