Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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