I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
