Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Drunk is not a location!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
