I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
