I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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