If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
organizing the empties. That sober.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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