Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
