Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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