so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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