Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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