There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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