I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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