she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
